Ripping Lyrics Apart: SMR12

This week, the computer shuffle spits out… San Marino 2012! Valentina Monetta’s ode to Facebook social networks (it must be snapchat, given the number of cybersex mentions) is almost too easy for this category… but hey, let’s go! Valentina Monetta – The Social Network Song

oo ooooooo ooo (I like)
Are you ready for a little chat
And a song about the Internet
It’s a story ‘bout a social door
You’ve never seen before

So far, I can’t really complain about a lot, apart from the terrible terrible rhyming. But I’m here to make fun of content, not of form.

If you wanna be seen by everyone
Wanna be in the dream and have some fun
If you wanna be on the hook
Then simply take a look

There we go. “If you wanna be seen by everyone” has, especially with the next few phrases, an uncomfortable sense of realism to it, that I am not sure was intended. Surely sexting and revenge porn in San Marino isn’t a world moving topic? (Also, hook-look? Seriously? It’s like you’re not even trying.)

Oh Oh Uh Oh Oh
Everybody loves you so
Oh Oh Uh Oh Oh
Everybody that you know

First: It took two people to write the lyrics. Yes, two people were involved in a chorus like this. And one of them, Timothy Touchton, has his own German wikipedia article, so he’s apparently not a 13 year old who just discovered Facebook. An article that remarks him working on this song as “especially notable”.

Do you wanna be more than just a friend
Do you wanna play cyber sex again
If you wanna come to my house
Then click me with your mouse

This is no more usual snapchat sexting. We’re heading into online escort services here.

Hello uh oh oh
Never gonna let you go

Wow. When you think this could hardly get any creepier – we were singing about online prostitution and revenge porn to a weirdly cheerful tune – Valentina tries to warn us about the danger of axe murderers and kidnappers (who I believe are rarely female) luring in their victims online. Or is foreshadowing her own double return to Eurovision, which is almost as terrible as a thing to look forward to.

Your logging in then it begins
And your computer is waking you
Taking your time away
The scene is right for social light
You’re on the Internet anywhere
Anytime night and day

Could you make any worse advertisement for the internet in a song that seems to praise it at first glance? I bet Facebook is still breathing sighs of relief that the song had its name changed. I think we’re only lacking Nigerian princes and malware now to have covered pretty much every negative side of new technologies.

So you wanna make love with me
Am I really your cup of tea
Are you really the one that’s you
And am I really me

Apart from the terribly forced rhyme (after they decided to ditch a few rhymes altogether in the verse before), we had impersonation now as well. She’s really doing one complete warning campaign. But I doubt I have ever seen a person in cybersex situations use the term “make love”.

You’re login’ in with just a friend
But soon the Internet’s
Beeping and peeping around the bend
We used to greet friends on the street
But now it’s googling giggling gaggling
When we meet

How could I forget about the dangers of concentrating more on your phone than on the other persons in the room? Thankfully Valentina is here to remind me. This thing reads as if the authors never actually have been on the internet, but read every warning article on earth about it.

Group: Oo oo network fans
Meet ya@ the internet

“Meet ya @ the internet” is kind of hinting at the camgirl plot from earlier again. Decide already.

Do you really like politics
Wanna talk about dirty tricks
Are you really a sex machine
Or just a beauty queen

If you’d say that to a woman (online or real life), it’d be sexual assault. Just sayin. And also one of the worst pickup lines in human history, regardless of gender.

Everybody is better than before
Everybody is calling out for more
Everybody in cyber Ville
Is knocking on your door

Nope, that’s a common misconception about the internet. Not everyone is better than before and not everyone wants to know about your door. It’s just that everyone thinks they are and develop into terribly annoying human beings in consequence, and you, Miss Monetta, seem to be an example.

Beep Beep Uh Oh Oh
I like
Everybody does a show
Oo Oo Uh-Oh Oh
Mi piace
If you like it click and go
Now you know it is easy loggin’ in
For a little more fun and cyber sin
Wanna know what the net’s about
The hard part’s loggin’ out

“Everybody does a show” is about the 12th sad truth revealed here. And of course, we were still lacking an obvious addiction reference. Thanks for checking that off the list as well!

Oo Oo Uh-Oh Oh
Now I’ve got a million friends
This is how the story ends
Oh Oh –
Beep beep

Right now, Valentina Monetta has 22’401 likers on Facebook. Add a good 2000 twitter followers (that are likely to be the same people to a great share) and let’s not forget that these were the times where she ust was San Marino’s national internet warning girl and not a three times representant of a country so tiny it will never produce a valid televote and the person who pulled off the greatest surprise in the history of Eurovision semifinals. So, in short, you do not and will never have a million friends, Valentina.

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