Ripping Lyrics Apart: RUS16

We have been visiting 2016 last week when we were taking a look at Joe & Jake’s You Are Not Alone, which turned out to have terribly uninteresting lyrics and was by far the least fun episode to write. Thanks to me finally downloading Spotify on this laptop (temporarily moving to Maastricht and not having my whole CD collection with me does wonders) there are now suddenly many more songs that could be picked – but the randomizer spit out another 2016 song. And it ended up being Sergey Lazarev’s You Are The Only One (but not alone!)

We can never let the word be unspoken
We will never let our loving go come undone
Everything we had is staying unbroken, now
you will always be the only one
you’re the only one

I have not much to say yet. Just a question: Why the hell is there a church bell. And please do me a favour and do NOT ever use that line in a song, even if it rhymes.

Wont ever give up cause you’re
Still somewhere out there
nothin’ or no-one’s gonna keep us apart
Breakin’ it down but i’m still gettin’ nowhere
wont stop – hold on

Sergey, I wonder if her not being dead is enough for you to keep pursuing your love interest. I mean, the girl who brutally broke my heart in tenth grade after I crushed on her for over a year is also still somewhere out there, but there’s still quite a lot keeping us apart. Thankfully, it’s the Atlantic. I  wouldn’t really want to run into her anymore. Oh, and simply breaking something down never brought anyone anywhere. Just saying.

Thunder ‘n’ lightning it’s gettin’excitin’
Lights up the skyline to show where u are
My love is rising the story’s unwindin’
Together we’ll make it ‘n’ reach for the stars

Wow. That is a HUGE number of apostrophes. Also, numerous mistakes in your method, Sergey. First of all, unless your girl is Catwoman, lighting up the skyline probably won’t help you much. Second, “My love is rising” is a euphemism in the best case. And that will probably earn you a hearty slap.

You’re the only one you’re my only one
You’re my life every breath that i take
Unforgettable so unbelievable
You’re the only one – my only one

Speaking of sentences I wouldn’t even say to my girlfriend unless I am 1000% sure about her. To someone who doesn’t even love you back, that’s somehow more creepy than romantic. If I was his crush, I’d be scared he kills himself if I reject him. That must be the bond happy relationships are made of… or not.

I could have told you to slow down ‘n’ stay down
I could have told you a secret wont u keep it now
Thinking of making a showdown when love is found
Thinking of waiting till you’re around

Umm.. the blowjob joke is almost too easy to make with “slow down and stay down”. But I cannot resist it! What is “making a showdown when love is found” supposed to mean though? He’s duelling with his rival? With his girl? We will never know… I assume the former though. If he’s duelling the girl, not waiting for her to be around doesn’t seem to make a lot of sense after all.

We now enter a whole repetition of bridge and chorus, which is only of interest if you want to expand the blowjob ‘n’ duel joke of verse two. But then there’s one huge question – why would you? Don’t kick a dead cat, so to say. And that leaves us with a rather confusing plan by Mr. Lazarev. Good night everyone!



Ripping Lyrics Apart – UK 2016

After the slightly heartbreaking but fun debut with Hope Never Dies – the incredibly fast moving Game of Thrones theme song – and the almost too easy and pretty effortless follow-up of The Social Network Song – Valentina Monetta’s warning about the internet and outing as a webcam performer – we are here with another mean look at lyrics. This time, it’s gonna be Joe & Jake’s You Are Not Alone from 2016.

(Joe): Heartbeat, when you’re not around its beating slow, and it’s something that I’ve never known..oh oh oh
(Jake): I’ll be, I’ll be the answer you’ve been waiting for,
(J&J): I’ll be the truth that you’ve been looking for..oh oh oh

I wish being apart from someone I like had this effect on me. It must be preferable to the fast-paced nervousness that happens to me and drains one’s energy ridiculously quickly. But if I am writing about personal experience, that must mean I don’t have much else to mock… right? Apart from questioning if a person can be the answer (maybe, depending on the question) or the truth (probably not, even though you likely could make a superhero concept out of it?).

(Joe): You’re not alone, we’re in this together, all that you want is right here forever, and they dont need to know – they don’t need to know
(Jake): You’re not alone, we’re in this together, all that you want I’m right here forever, and they don’t need to
(J&J) know – and they don’t need to know

Alright, now I am the one asking questions. WHO doesn’t need to know WHAT? Your parents don’t need to know you two are actually a couple? Well, that’s far too cute and normal to let me be happy with that interpretation. I’m placing my money on some criminal activity. They don’t look like muggers or murderers, and the “all that you want” line makes me think of drugs or smuggling. Perhaps fake CD’s that only play British Eurovision entries of the 2000’s? I’m sure you’d have to stay hidden for THAT.

(Joe): You’re free, free to let go cause I’ll be here for you, and when you fall I’ll be your parachute –
(J&J) oh oh oh
I-i-i feel like I’m dancing in the sky, I come alive when I’m with you, I come alive when I’m with you

Ugh. Unless I want to do an actual critic here – the lyrics being about as generic love song/friendship lyrics as possible – there’s really not much to say about this part. Meh. But… can some native speaker please tell me if “I come alive when I’m with you” is proper English? I wouldn’t dare to write it in a test, to be honest.

Actually, we can end this here. Yep, things get repeated a lot from now on. No, I’m not gonna rewrite it all again. Deal with it. *puts sunglasses on and Donny-llama gallops out towards The Netherlandtjes*

Ripping Lyrics Apart: SMR12

This week, the computer shuffle spits out… San Marino 2012! Valentina Monetta’s ode to Facebook social networks (it must be snapchat, given the number of cybersex mentions) is almost too easy for this category… but hey, let’s go! Valentina Monetta – The Social Network Song

oo ooooooo ooo (I like)
Are you ready for a little chat
And a song about the Internet
It’s a story ‘bout a social door
You’ve never seen before

So far, I can’t really complain about a lot, apart from the terrible terrible rhyming. But I’m here to make fun of content, not of form.

If you wanna be seen by everyone
Wanna be in the dream and have some fun
If you wanna be on the hook
Then simply take a look

There we go. “If you wanna be seen by everyone” has, especially with the next few phrases, an uncomfortable sense of realism to it, that I am not sure was intended. Surely sexting and revenge porn in San Marino isn’t a world moving topic? (Also, hook-look? Seriously? It’s like you’re not even trying.)

Oh Oh Uh Oh Oh
Everybody loves you so
Oh Oh Uh Oh Oh
Everybody that you know

First: It took two people to write the lyrics. Yes, two people were involved in a chorus like this. And one of them, Timothy Touchton, has his own German wikipedia article, so he’s apparently not a 13 year old who just discovered Facebook. An article that remarks him working on this song as “especially notable”.

Do you wanna be more than just a friend
Do you wanna play cyber sex again
If you wanna come to my house
Then click me with your mouse

This is no more usual snapchat sexting. We’re heading into online escort services here.

Hello uh oh oh
Never gonna let you go

Wow. When you think this could hardly get any creepier – we were singing about online prostitution and revenge porn to a weirdly cheerful tune – Valentina tries to warn us about the danger of axe murderers and kidnappers (who I believe are rarely female) luring in their victims online. Or is foreshadowing her own double return to Eurovision, which is almost as terrible as a thing to look forward to.

Your logging in then it begins
And your computer is waking you
Taking your time away
The scene is right for social light
You’re on the Internet anywhere
Anytime night and day

Could you make any worse advertisement for the internet in a song that seems to praise it at first glance? I bet Facebook is still breathing sighs of relief that the song had its name changed. I think we’re only lacking Nigerian princes and malware now to have covered pretty much every negative side of new technologies.

So you wanna make love with me
Am I really your cup of tea
Are you really the one that’s you
And am I really me

Apart from the terribly forced rhyme (after they decided to ditch a few rhymes altogether in the verse before), we had impersonation now as well. She’s really doing one complete warning campaign. But I doubt I have ever seen a person in cybersex situations use the term “make love”.

You’re login’ in with just a friend
But soon the Internet’s
Beeping and peeping around the bend
We used to greet friends on the street
But now it’s googling giggling gaggling
When we meet

How could I forget about the dangers of concentrating more on your phone than on the other persons in the room? Thankfully Valentina is here to remind me. This thing reads as if the authors never actually have been on the internet, but read every warning article on earth about it.

Group: Oo oo network fans
Meet ya@ the internet

“Meet ya @ the internet” is kind of hinting at the camgirl plot from earlier again. Decide already.

Do you really like politics
Wanna talk about dirty tricks
Are you really a sex machine
Or just a beauty queen

If you’d say that to a woman (online or real life), it’d be sexual assault. Just sayin. And also one of the worst pickup lines in human history, regardless of gender.

Everybody is better than before
Everybody is calling out for more
Everybody in cyber Ville
Is knocking on your door

Nope, that’s a common misconception about the internet. Not everyone is better than before and not everyone wants to know about your door. It’s just that everyone thinks they are and develop into terribly annoying human beings in consequence, and you, Miss Monetta, seem to be an example.

Beep Beep Uh Oh Oh
I like
Everybody does a show
Oo Oo Uh-Oh Oh
Mi piace
If you like it click and go
Now you know it is easy loggin’ in
For a little more fun and cyber sin
Wanna know what the net’s about
The hard part’s loggin’ out

“Everybody does a show” is about the 12th sad truth revealed here. And of course, we were still lacking an obvious addiction reference. Thanks for checking that off the list as well!

Oo Oo Uh-Oh Oh
Now I’ve got a million friends
This is how the story ends
Oh Oh –
Beep beep

Right now, Valentina Monetta has 22’401 likers on Facebook. Add a good 2000 twitter followers (that are likely to be the same people to a great share) and let’s not forget that these were the times where she ust was San Marino’s national internet warning girl and not a three times representant of a country so tiny it will never produce a valid televote and the person who pulled off the greatest surprise in the history of Eurovision semifinals. So, in short, you do not and will never have a million friends, Valentina.

Ripping Lyrics Apart: CZE15

I like to be mean, and I need content for the off-season. So here is what I came up with: I’m responding in an ironic, sarcastic, or just plain mean manner to a Eurovision song. And because there are quite a few which would just be way too easy, I’m going on shuffle to choose the song. Which means: On the menu is everything from 2007 to 2016, plus some older ones. Today, it’s one of my favourites and the episode hurts a little: Vaclav Noid Barta & Marta Jandova – Hope Never Dies.

Wait for me don’t cross the sea of pain
Wait for me I’m lost I’ve gone astray
Ravens calling my name, their wings so dark
Soon they’ll take me away, I have their mark
They never miss their prey

Is it just me or does this, in combination with the music, make it sound like they’re a wildling couple that lost their way on a raid south of the Wall? (Yes I know crows and ravens are not the same. What are you, a biology teacher?)

There is no light to pray for
Cold and dim are the skies
Wounded lying
Running out of life

There we go on with the theme. Someone among the chasers must be quite the archer, I guess.

In your eyes I could see
Our hopes and our future
Now we must let go

We’re crossing into a bit of a Romeo and Juliet territory here. But still fits the theme – even though technically the dying one doesn’t have to let go, that just happens. And the dying one could be either of them, so they’re probably bleeding out next to each other. Romantic, but a little tense for a date maybe?

Find me where the night turns into day
Your love as a torch shows us the way
How to be whole again

So, Marta – assuming she’s on the equator, which she probably isn’t – is running at 1670 km/h, all while bleeding to death. And while I’d need to ask my English teacher, but something tells me that “Your love as a torch” is not a sentence that makes any sense…

[…] Must let go, must let fade away
Or we can rise and fight

Still assuming this whole “bleeding to death while running around the equator to stay where night turns into day, because otherwise Vaclav won’t find her” theory is true, she simply suggests getting up? What did we build all those hospitals for if it’s so easy?

For a light to live for
Fire in our hearts
Through our pain
Through all the lies
We will walk, walk reborn

The light to live for is right there in front of you, you’re running with the terminator. All you gotta do is stumble or something to slow down for a second and it shines upon you, but then you wouldn’t be where night turns into day anymore. And if your plan is to walk reborn, you’re not fighting, you have given up and decided to rely on the restart button.

Hope never dies

Gabriela Guncikova agrees.

Never let me go

I will never stop loving the unintentional weirdness of two people shouting “Never let me go” at each other. You’re in front of each other, you wanna be near each other… no, I guess there’s no way to solve that.

So, apparently the Czech Republic is a nation of miracles, reincarnation and an overly active Night’s Watch on the hunt for Eurovision singers. And only god knows why Marta Jandova hasn’t used her talent in running at over the speed of sound to win an enormous amount of Olympic gold medals.