Happy new year, Music For Europe followers! It would be too boring to just wish you a happy new year like that, so what we are going to do is looking forward to the next year. What is going to happen in the world of Eurovision? And what is going to happen in that weird realm some claim to exist beyond it?
Much speculation about every internal selection in every country starts as fans are looking for a way to pass time until the begin of core on-season. By the end of January nobody can remember the number of names mentioned to “do it for X”, but none of them will do it. Meanwhile, Belarus selected a song but nobody cares because nobody expects the final result to sound anything similar to it, or to be the same song at all. Belgium selected as well and everybody wishes it would sound as little as possible like what they chose. It’s Flanders this year, after all.
After the Allocation Draw, drama takes up the Eurovision world because Cyprus and Greece didn’t get drawn together (“WE HAVE NO FRIENDS NOW!”), Romania and Moldova did (“IT’S A CONSPIRACY!”) and one group seems much stronger (“TERRIBLE SYSTEM!”). Spoiler: It will probably not prove right.
DMGP, Sanremo, Die Grosse Entscheidungs-Show and MF Semi 2 running all together will have Eurovision fans in a dilemma which one to watch until they decide to all just watch MF despite it being a semi. Denmark selects a generic pop song that will come fifth in its semi and easily sail through despite fans claiming it will bomb and come dead last because it’s “so MOR!”. Italy selects something nobody else would and becomes the first favourite simply by being the first major nation choosing a memorable song. Switzerland selects… something. So does Austria, generally enjoying the fact that they’re neither host or favourite and nobody cares about them anymore. Belarus changes song.
Söngvakeppnin gets little exposure as well as correlating with another MF semi, like OMPE (that’s my fav NF name Fnaever, btw) and UMK do. Every act participating in UMK will get presented as favourite at some point, but a male rock act will win leaving large groups of fans disappointed because they are not as sexy as some pop boy and Gianluca because it’s not a female ballad. Meanwhile, Moldova selected some weird act that the majority prefers to ignore while I love it to death. The day after, the same happens with Latvia. On the same day, Norway selects a boring quality song, Hungary something completely random and Lithuania is generally getting overlooked.
Fans demand the head of Christer Bjorkman because he publicly suggests pre-recorded backing vocals despite the proposal already being rejected. After Eesti Laul, people have a new favourite while I hopelessly promote the Czech Republic. The Netherlands get tons of attention, and probably some more of the Danish MOR hate. As a glorious finale, Melodifestivalen creates a bunch of “Why can’t we have Friends Arena for the real thing??????” comments and is supposed to produce a new fan fav. Instead, it’s a very mediocre song because the Swedes really don’t want a double, with the big fan fav coming second and provoking long cries of “WHY? ROBBED!”. Belarus changes artist. Now, the time of top lists starts…
Random ESC-related scandals come up on a daily basis. About every tenth is true, and about one in thirty actually worth mentioning. Belarus releases a revamp. Someone says something homophobic. At least three runner-ups claim their NF was rigged. Another one was actually rigged, but nobody notices (yet). Discussions about every little thing blow up into 150-post-threads because fans are anxious about Eurovision to begin. Lurkers show up and draw the long threads out to 200-post threads. Suspiciously large amounts of points are given to the UK in fan polls.
The Netherlands fuck up their staging. Fans complain about the stage and presenters and claim “Worst Eurovision EVAAAAHHH!!!!”. Belarus completely change their performance after the first rehearsal. The first semifinal starts, with lots of Australia jokes. As Russia is on, fans lust over Lazarev for three minutes and boo him after the song. As soon as the voting kicks off, they mass-dial Russia to make sure they can lust over him again in the final. The last one to be called is, naturally, Iceland. Failing nations blame their neighbours, Scandinavian and Yugoslavian blocks, the USSR, Putin, Azerbaijan, Turkey, God, corrupted juries, Sepp Blatter and IS, but not their song or performance. Denmark wins. Split results get released a week later, resulting in much more “IT’S A CONSPIRACY!” talks.
JUNE – DECEMBER
Off-Season. Suddenly thread lengths drop to managable lenghts. People stop obsessing over scandals that are untrue or no scandals. We stop listening to a bunch of bad Moldovan singers with songs straight from 1994. What a terrible time…